Bonus/Boner Minutes

Acquiring the first will result in faster “official” finish times; acquiring the latter will result in slower “official” finish times. Both are intended for distribution only for those who actually finish before 10AM Sunday, although if a runner hasn’t already been stopped at Gridley Top for missing a cut off and finishes after 10AM, if s/he has accumulated enough Bonus Minutes, s/he may yet find hermself on the “official” finishers’ list.

(1) Bonus Minutes can be acquired by…

(a) participating in pre-event activities; or

(b) for those in town but just too wired/anxious and/or asocial to partake of such frivolity, visiting local touristy places, with brochures as proof, to help one momentarily forget the task at hand and maybe even relax for a bit; or

(c) for antics on the course between Start and Finish (those details explained as simply as these instructions when we see you at the pre-event briefing).

(2) Bonus Minutes for pre-weekend, non-group participation activities will be limited to 45/30 minutes, 100M/100K respectively (comparable to opting out of both trail opportunities on W/Th and missing the planned evening activities).

(3) Bonus Minutes can be increased based on level/value of participation. E.g., Bowling will yield Bonus Minutes, and bowling particularly noteworthily may yield still more minutes! As of yet, theoretically there appears to be no limit to the number of minutes one can acquire, tho practically you may as well just stay home and twiddle in front of the TV if you’re so easily distracted towards grabbing Bonus Minutes over just getting out to run.

(4) 100M’ers will earn 15 minutes per “incident” while 100K’ers will earn 10 minutes per “incident.” An “incident” is something that falls within those categories in para (1) above or (5) below.

(5) Boner Minutes can be earned across several opportunities, prime among them not paying attention to / responding in a timely manner to e-mails from the Two Moon Buffoon or other officially-designated Coyote Cohort (when such e-mails ask for your input); whining because your C2M experience isn’t the perfection you’d anticipated, from submission of your application through post-race issues (e.g., your drop bag for Gridley Bottom consisted of a Safeway plastic bag with your lucky “Final 15 Miles” socks inside, and somehow that inconsequential plastic bag just didn’t quite find its own way back to the Finish); making life difficult for any one volunteer; or generally just being a pain in the tush (that term open to many interpretations). So, f’r'instance, earn 45 minutes of Boner Minutes, and your 29:38 finish time quickly reverts to over 30 hours of slogging towards the Finish…

(6) Each volunteer will have Bonus and Boner Minutes to dispense at will, with only marginal limits on how many get awarded. If you can suck up to that many volunteers, and go nuts on pre-weekend festivities, just ponder how sweet it would be to see an “official” time that scores better than Kyle Scaggs’ HardRock kickass time. How you later relate the story of how you earned your reward is your business. And as the saying goes, “it’s YOUR log book, you can write anything you want in it…”

(7) Bonus/Boner Minutes are not negotiable, tho the B/B Bogeyman will certainly enjoy the entertainment of your argument.

The Leader Board:  We’re just days (more like hours…) away from the madness, and the rankings have only gotten fatter, with only minor adjustments in the obvious rankings.  Once a suck-up, always a suck-up; once a noodge, always a noodge…  So, the current Top Five Bonus Hog standings:   Sir Francis O’Rourke retains his lead, with former 2nd, then 5th, and now again 2nd place His Honor Icky-Ocky Horton nudging ahead of the NorCal Trio (Their Distinguishments Flash Warren, Sparkles Vlach and Sunshine Davidson) due to his unabashed largesse of goodies sent for awards (hey, he’s a sponsor and a runner, he’s a silver spoon boy in that regard!!).  Still, the five of them hold prominent positions in the rankings, with a dark horse (who will remain secret, but has initials of Wild Bill) lurking in the background and possibly shattering the glass ceiling the others seem to have created above the masses.  His Eminent Suckup Scat Hobbs, too, must have had some work to do, as UpChuck has squeaked a notch or two above His Scatness.   All we need watch now is how the games unfold in the coming days.  Notable performances to observe, much guffawing to unleash, many margaritas to consume…

The Boner Minute Slogs? Fairly evenly distributed among several — not short on that list, those who have chosen to blow off timely response to e-mails (more than a handful under the e-mail subject of MUST Read…) — with no one entrant climbing to the top of the heap (or should that be bottom of the pit?), other than the couple dudes who actually got booted for noticeably poor manners, plus a couple outsiders who can’t spell the word, much less take responsibility for their own actions.  Poop on ‘em!!  As for those IN the game, as with the Bonus Minute competitors, plenty of time and opportunity for collecting more demerits and the chance to spend some quality time in “study hall” or “detention” (why, yes, it DOES seem sophomoric, doesn’t it?)…